Motherhood and "Failed" Plans

A few weeks ago, Tim and I met up with a college friend who was up here to play a concert (oh ya, we are totally friends with a rock star!).  He and his wife are expecting their first baby so while we were showing him around Anchorage he asked if we had any advice.  I don't give advice unless I am explicitly asked.  I don't care for unsolicited advice and I don't want to be that person who pushes my methods on everyone else.  However, if I'm asked, I'll totally tell you what we've done and how it's worked or not worked.  So amid the general advice we were throwing out, he asked a question that I hadn't truly looked back on and thought about.  He asked what things had we planned to do a certain way but then had to change.  In other words, what plans had "failed".  Well, let's see.  I had planned to breastfeed Robby for at least a year but because of a surprise pregnancy a couple of months after he was born, I had no more milk production by the time he was 6 months old and we began using formula.  I vividly remember mixing that first bottle and having to leave the room while my husband gave it to him.  I felt like I was failing at providing my son the absolute best, since that's all I had been told throughout my pregnancy and early months of motherhood.  Thankfully, Robby loved it and actually thrived much better on it.  That provided some peace in my heart.  Ok, what else?  I had planned to have a natural, epidural free childbirth with Charlie as I had done with Robby.  But after many hours and a stalled labor, I gave in and asked for the epidural.  Within 30 minutes, I went from a 6 to a 10 and was ready to welcome that little guy into the world!  While I lamented over the fact that I wouldn't be able to fully experience the labor and delivery of my second baby, he was born just as healthy and alert as his big brother.  We had not planned to use the "count to 3" method to modify behavior or to use time outs.  But after a babysitter used the "cool down corner" to get Charlie to stop hitting and calm down in order for her to talk to him about how his behavior wasn't acceptable, we realized that it's actually a good tactic for him since he tends to get so emotionally wound up in situations.  These are only the few examples I could think of on the spot while we were talking to him.  I know there are others we have experienced and there will be many more in our future.  

While we could look at these plans as failures, they are really just learning points.  We learned that my body stopping milk production and having to switch to formula was not a horrible thing.  It was the beginning of a new life inside of me and a huge blessing of modern pharmaceuticals that I was able to continue to nourish my growing baby.  We learned that having to resort to medication in order to get my baby out safely was more important than me holding out and possibly causing harm to my child.  We learned that Charlie is a different child than Robby and we need to adjust our parenting styles between the two of them in order to shape them into gentlemen.  I'm learning as much, if not more, about parenting than my children are learning about life each and every day.  They are ever growing and changing which means my plans must be ever growing and changing.

While we were talking about how our plans and ideas had changed, I mentioned to our friend that no matter what happens, always be a source of encouragement for his wife.  As her husband, she will look to him for acceptance of the way she is doing things.  If her goal of having an all natural birth works out, that's incredible!  She just did one of the hardest things a woman could do.  But if something happens and she can't, the end result of having that baby in her arms is the same and she did an amazing job!  If her ideas of solely breastfeeding workout and she can keep it going for a year or even more, that's amazing!  But if her milk production is low and she has to supplement with formula while she works on getting it back up or if her body shuts down production all together, research the best formulas together and tell her how proud of her you are for working so hard to provide the best possible nutrition for your child.  

I've said it before and I'll say it many more times: motherhood is tough.  We moms need encouragement from people who have done things the way we have but also acceptance from those who have chosen a different way.  We are no less a mom than the next mom simply because our plans changed and we are now having to do things in a way that we didn't expect.  We all have plans.  Plans that will go accordingly and plans that will fail.  The failure of those plans doesn't matter.  What matters is that we recognize if (when) we need to change the way we are doing things and keep on with our journey.